An Explanation for my New Lease on Life

You know that song "Imagine" by John Lennon? Every time I hear it, I think of a world falling apart. Imagining there's no heaven, it is easy to try. I've done it before. I imagined there was no hell, no consequences, no government, no religion, nothing to own, nothing to work for, no reason to fight. At first, I agreed. Maybe we don't need the things we thought we did. I thought maybe there was no point to clawing my way through life, because even if there was heaven, nothing from this world would go with me. And what if there was only darkness afterwards?

In that moment, however, I lay staring into the face of death. It was beautiful and terrifying in the same second. It was cold and yet so warmly inviting. I could feel its hands trying to grasp me. I could hear the whisper to meet my fate. It sang softly, lulling me out of mortal pain, coaxing me into the growing blackness.

My sight was fading, the only sound was my own rapid heartbeat. At first, I let myself slip a little at a time. Then, I began to panic about being right and wrong; about my place in the cosmos. Was I really going to fade into nonexistence? Would I feel myself decay? What would happen to my memory? I tried to sort it out with both religion and science, recalling as much as I had been taught about either.

Then it all became clear. Even if there was no God, no Kingdom beyond this life, the universe worked with purpose. Everything had cause and effect, up and down; physically, there was no way to exist without sending some sort of energy radiating through all of existence.

I reflected on my past. What kind of energy had I sent out? Not one of any positivity. For all of my two decades on the planet, I had only two memories that didn't cause pain. What, then, would resound back? Everything that had made me miserable in my life.

It was that thought, that fear of nothingness, of destruction, slamming back into everything, that gave me the will to change my world. It was that thought that lead to the unraveling of my sorrow.

Writing is Hard!

A secret passion of mine was always writing. I tried for many years to purvey my many ideas through written word to no avail. I never could understand how to fill in all the plot holes, or even how to advance in some places. This is fricking not easy!

Last year, I purchased the One Year Adventure Novel program. We had sampled it years before and it seemed like a good purchase. It comes with 7 disks of video lessons, a textbook, a workbook, and a sample novel, as well as a resource disk and a forum membership. Whenever I get stuck (which is often), I go and chill in the forum's chat.

This is how I learned to drabble.

A drabble is a short, 100+ word story based on a few keywords. It can be one word, two words, seven, or whatever. Once all participants are done, we take turns posting them in chat.

My first session's keys were graveyard, music, winter, and shadow. When it's just a paragraph or two, it's easy. Here's what I came up with (in all of 15 or so minutes).

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I sat behind his grave, my back pressed to the cold, gray stone. Sighing, I hummed the songs he wrote for me. Can you hear me? I wondered, closing my eyes to the winter skies.

The frigid breeze swirled snow around me. Cold didn't bother me anymore, I was too numb to feel much of anything.I turned around and pressed my face to the stone. "Why am I still here, Araan?" Shadows of the living passed through me, chattering in distorted voices. If I listened really hard, I could make out words, but today, it did not interest me. I shivered violently as they stepped across the dirt mound that was- that used to be- me. It jutted out of the ground, brown and muddy, while the snow around it bore the week old foot prints of my mourners. Soon, Lady Winter would erase them with her crystal faeries and lay my lifeless body in white.


I stared at the old man under the tree. He had been here since times of cowboys and the first railways, sitting under that tree, year after year, watching the world pass. What if I suffer the same fate? This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be with Araan! I promised to follow him to the end of time, and now I couldn't even leave the cemetery grounds. Why did he have to leave me? And why couldn't I go where he was?

I guess it's kinda dumb, but I did it, and that's all that matters.

Au revoir!

Too much?

I almost forgot I needed to be writing here.... oops.


So I'm writing this novel, and I finally got most of the plot worked out in my head. Set a hundred or so years after an Earth-shattering cataclysm, an orphan girl gets taken in by a prince. No one in the kingdom likes this prince because he's a crossdresser, and his brother, the king, is a total war-crazed, careless, ass. In fact, the king drove the kingdom into absolute, terrible poverty, and has been searching for the philosopher's stone with their money. Prince Christopher's been trying to pick up the pieces in Angelus's absence.

Now this girl is all grown up, and while trying to help a family, Christopher is shot. A stranger (Angelus in disguise) convinces the (currently unnamed) girl to go and get the stone, telling her its the only way to save Christopher. This is where things get a little fuzzy. I know I want all the hounds in Hell to bite at her, I just haven't decided what exactly happens after she leaves on her quest. She's gonna get robbed at some point, but that's all I've got. At some point, she's going to slump into a depression and contemplate whether or not she should even be trying to save him, if she even wants to live, and how to deal with such a cold, desolate world and her resurfacing memories.

I might be pouring a little too much of my past mental drama into this, but I think I still need to express it out loud. There's a lot more than just "oh, it's so hard" fueling her questions on life and death, and how she decides to handle the world affects a much larger plot I've had stuck in my head for years. I really need help deciding what tortures to unleash on her when, though.

If anyone has any ideas, go ahead and comment. I am trying to keep this YA friendly, though.

Arigatou!

Breathe, Breathe in the Air!

Okay, maybe not the best reference for a bright, shiny, optimistic new year,but it's the best one I got.

Happy New Year, world! After a night of epic Jenga skills, oohs and ahhs over lolita dresses, The Walking Dead, and too many cherry Pepsis, my friend and I had an idea. We're tossing around the thought of starting our own lolita shop. I can make patterns and sew, she makes beautiful jewelry, and another friend of her's makes headpieces and hats. For my drawing practice today, I'm going to sketch up some possible prints and designs. I'm so excited!

I think I need a soundtrack to set the mood for the year. Something that'll remind me of this excited, dreamy-eyed feeling whenever I hear it. I've found that whatever I listen to the most really sets up how the days go. Last year's reoccurring album ended up being "The Wall" by Pink Floyd, and last year ended up sucking hardcore juice boxes. I started off the new year with D's "Rakuen", but I need a whole album, not just one song to really keep me going.

I finished my permanent To Do list. I've got to print and laminate it as soon as I'm done here. It looks pretty awesome in my personal opinion. I've just got to finish getting my room in order before I display it's glory.

I think that's all for now.

Au revoir!